He turns up at my door with a card.
He didn't write the card, someone else did but he said what he wanted to say in it.
He said he missed me and that he wanted to be with me.
I told him to fuck off.
November 24th.
I'm in a room full of people with Emma and one of my idols is stood in front of my with an umberella saying 'Fuck' on it, Wednesday 13. It's the best day of that year, and then I turn around.
I had my boots on, I could see the door to get it. And then I clock him. He's there and I'm not exactly easy to spot. I'm on the front row and 6ft tall. He tried to get closer to me but Emma makes sure that he doesn't and keeps on looking to see if he gets closer and we move to the side a bit.
A few days later, I get a message on Facebook. He wants to meet up. It's 3am and I'm not asleep so I say okay. I just need some comfort.
I sleep in his bed that night.
I wake up and his face is right in my face and he is breathing on me. It fucking stinks, like what the fuck is wrong with you. I turn over and he wakes up. We spent the day watching dvd's in bed.
I go home at about 6pm.
Then he calls me at 3am again and asks me to come around so I do.
We're lying on his bed and we're just talking. He starts telling me what he likes about me. He said he liked that I'm dominant. He asked me what I liked about him so I had to lie to his face. I honestly think he is fucking vile and I did at the time. I thought he was a useless fat piece of shit who is never going to achieve anything in his fucking life. I told him that I liked that he was submissive, I could control him, I could make him do whatever the fuck I want. Then I just started telling him. I was just telling him how pathetic he is.
And then he just flipped. He had his hands holding down my wrists and his knees on my legs so I couldn't move. He had me pinned down and then he started touching me. He took off my top and starting calling me a whore. He told me I was filthy. I told him to stop but he didn't listen and carried on. I couldn't get him off me because he was too heavy. He was breathing in my fucking face and it fucking stank.
I was weak and couldn't do anything. I was so scared of what he would do.
And then something in me went 'What the fuck is this shit?' and I managed to push him off me and I just started punching him in the face. I don't even fucking know, I don't remember much. I stomped and his balls, spat on him and just left like it was nothing. I just walked out of the house, went home and went to sleep.
I think about it all the time. When I sleep, I have nightmares about it. I wake up screaming and I can taste him so I go and brush my teeth until they bleed.
I just needed to let this out because I've only told 1 person and that was very recent and I didn't tell her everything.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
The blue dress with flowers
The one that I bought for her. She was wearing it. I suppose it's time that I talk about it.
After a few months of not speaking, Lia called me one night and I was asleep. She called me 15 times. When I woke up the next day, I looked at my phone and saw all of the missed calls and still ignored it. I didn't want to speak to her.
Angela, her mum, called me 2 days later saying that Lia was in hospital and was unconscious. She was calling me that night because she needed help, she needed me to help her and talk to her, and I chose not to.
She didn't make it through and now I feel sick all of the time.
If I wasn't such a bitch and answered the phone, she'd still be here.
It's all my fucking fault.
The funeral was a couple of weeks ago and I didn't tell anybody, not even my mum. Lia was wearing the blue dress with flowers that I bought her for her birthday. It didn't look the same.
That's why it pisses me off when I ask for help and I get ignored. Maybe I deserve to be ignored, maybe that's what I get for not answering the fucking phone.
Fuck
My head is going to fucking explode with all of the shit that's inside it.
After a few months of not speaking, Lia called me one night and I was asleep. She called me 15 times. When I woke up the next day, I looked at my phone and saw all of the missed calls and still ignored it. I didn't want to speak to her.
Angela, her mum, called me 2 days later saying that Lia was in hospital and was unconscious. She was calling me that night because she needed help, she needed me to help her and talk to her, and I chose not to.
She didn't make it through and now I feel sick all of the time.
If I wasn't such a bitch and answered the phone, she'd still be here.
It's all my fucking fault.
The funeral was a couple of weeks ago and I didn't tell anybody, not even my mum. Lia was wearing the blue dress with flowers that I bought her for her birthday. It didn't look the same.
That's why it pisses me off when I ask for help and I get ignored. Maybe I deserve to be ignored, maybe that's what I get for not answering the fucking phone.
Fuck
My head is going to fucking explode with all of the shit that's inside it.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Outlet
You keep on ignoring me and it pisses me off so fucking much, I cannot stand it when people ignore, like it is one of the worst things that you can ever do and it was on MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TOO. As if it wasn't shit enough as it is. Don't you fucking dare try and talk to me.
I woke up at 12pm after going to sleep at 3am. I didn't do anything. My auntie brought me my new laptop which was very kind of her and I am very grateful. Then we went out for a meal that I didn't want to go to where my mum and brother argued about the same shit over and over again, and then we went home. I went straight upstairs and said that I was tired and have been pretty much crying ever since.
How the fuck could you just walk away? Whenever I fucking need you, you piss off. 'Oh, it'll be different this time'. GET FUCKED. It's exactly the same! I need you and you walk away and ignore me, hoping that I'll go away.
Why don't I just fucking go away then? Hmm? WHY FUCKING DON'T I?
And you, you little whore. I gave you fucking links and replied to your cunting tweets and YOU FUCKING IGNORED ME. Flat out ignored me. Why the fuck do I bother trying to socialise with people? I might as well not have bothered. Not like it took a lot of courage for me to even click reply and you FUCKING IGNORE IT!
I actually give up on trying to socialise with people. If people want to talk to me, then they can but I doubt I will want to talk to them. People piss me off. That's why I have to have my headphones and iPod with me constantly; I can't stand to be around other people. I can easily block out my surroundings visually, but I find it hard to block out my hearing.
Everything I do get disregarded, I try and talk to someone and they ignore it, even in person. A lot of people are doing that lately. I'm beginning to think that I'm ceasing to exist and that soon I won't exist.
I want to change myself drastically, I don't want to be recognisable. I know how to, I just need to.
I still haven't told anyone about Lia. I doubt that anyone would care at all about what I have to say about her and how I feel about it. I have to do into the City today to get an outfit for her funeral. I really don't want to though. It should be me and her going shopping for things.
I woke up at 12pm after going to sleep at 3am. I didn't do anything. My auntie brought me my new laptop which was very kind of her and I am very grateful. Then we went out for a meal that I didn't want to go to where my mum and brother argued about the same shit over and over again, and then we went home. I went straight upstairs and said that I was tired and have been pretty much crying ever since.
How the fuck could you just walk away? Whenever I fucking need you, you piss off. 'Oh, it'll be different this time'. GET FUCKED. It's exactly the same! I need you and you walk away and ignore me, hoping that I'll go away.
Why don't I just fucking go away then? Hmm? WHY FUCKING DON'T I?
And you, you little whore. I gave you fucking links and replied to your cunting tweets and YOU FUCKING IGNORED ME. Flat out ignored me. Why the fuck do I bother trying to socialise with people? I might as well not have bothered. Not like it took a lot of courage for me to even click reply and you FUCKING IGNORE IT!
I actually give up on trying to socialise with people. If people want to talk to me, then they can but I doubt I will want to talk to them. People piss me off. That's why I have to have my headphones and iPod with me constantly; I can't stand to be around other people. I can easily block out my surroundings visually, but I find it hard to block out my hearing.
Everything I do get disregarded, I try and talk to someone and they ignore it, even in person. A lot of people are doing that lately. I'm beginning to think that I'm ceasing to exist and that soon I won't exist.
I want to change myself drastically, I don't want to be recognisable. I know how to, I just need to.
I still haven't told anyone about Lia. I doubt that anyone would care at all about what I have to say about her and how I feel about it. I have to do into the City today to get an outfit for her funeral. I really don't want to though. It should be me and her going shopping for things.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
I am nearly finished with college for 8 weeks.
I am scared. So scared.
Last year, I had someone to help me through it for the most part. Now he's gone, he has his own life and I'm stuck here.
People only remember me when they are reminded of me. I'll either show up on their dashboard or timeline or whatever. Only then., they will talk to me.
Mum took Carol back to Blackpool yesterday. I stayed at home. I got in the bath 4 times yesterday. Every time I just lay under water staring up at the ceiling. I put my music on full blast and I could feel the vibrations pounding through me and the water. I came up to the surface, took a deep breath and submerged myself, still staring at the ceiling. I could feel myself wanting to breath, so I did. I inhaled a lung full of water and forced myself to stay under but I couldn't. I shot up coughing and spluttering. The summer holidays haven't even started and I'm already trying.
People don't get it. I need someone. I'm all on my own all of the time because I have no-one to love, no-one to talk to and no-one to just be there for me.
I've been on citalopram 20mg for about 3-4 weeks now, I can't remember. They're not even touching the sides. If anything, I feel worse than when I started. I'm gonna book an appointment and get me ramped up to 60mg. Maybe then I'll be able to feel something.
Whenever I get in the bath, I am so tempted to do something destructive. Especially when I'm alone in the house or at night when Mum is sleeping.
I remember being happy and playing and everything.
I don't know what to do most of the time, I have to have people tell me what I need to do. Shanelle had to persuade me to go home and get my work that had to be in that day but I didn't because Saab started telling me that I have no motivation to progress because I didn't want to go home and get my work. You think I don't fucking know that? There was a storm and it takes me an hour and a half to get home. Shut the fuck up you midget cunt.
Last year, I had someone to help me through it for the most part. Now he's gone, he has his own life and I'm stuck here.
People only remember me when they are reminded of me. I'll either show up on their dashboard or timeline or whatever. Only then., they will talk to me.
Mum took Carol back to Blackpool yesterday. I stayed at home. I got in the bath 4 times yesterday. Every time I just lay under water staring up at the ceiling. I put my music on full blast and I could feel the vibrations pounding through me and the water. I came up to the surface, took a deep breath and submerged myself, still staring at the ceiling. I could feel myself wanting to breath, so I did. I inhaled a lung full of water and forced myself to stay under but I couldn't. I shot up coughing and spluttering. The summer holidays haven't even started and I'm already trying.
People don't get it. I need someone. I'm all on my own all of the time because I have no-one to love, no-one to talk to and no-one to just be there for me.
I've been on citalopram 20mg for about 3-4 weeks now, I can't remember. They're not even touching the sides. If anything, I feel worse than when I started. I'm gonna book an appointment and get me ramped up to 60mg. Maybe then I'll be able to feel something.
Whenever I get in the bath, I am so tempted to do something destructive. Especially when I'm alone in the house or at night when Mum is sleeping.
I remember being happy and playing and everything.
I don't know what to do most of the time, I have to have people tell me what I need to do. Shanelle had to persuade me to go home and get my work that had to be in that day but I didn't because Saab started telling me that I have no motivation to progress because I didn't want to go home and get my work. You think I don't fucking know that? There was a storm and it takes me an hour and a half to get home. Shut the fuck up you midget cunt.
Monday, 28 May 2012
No, no, NO!
Tonight I went out with an old friend, I haven't seen her in roughly a year and tonight I felt like my old self.
We watched What To Expect When You're Expecting and it's really good actually.
I spent the whole day getting really excited for tonight. About half an hour before she came to my house, I was slipping into my old self but amplified 100x. It only increased when I saw her. I HAD to keep her laughing, I just had to, I couldn't have her not laughing so I didn't stop. For 4 hours I kept her laughing, for 4 hours I had a massive high and felt like I was on top of the world.
I walked her to the bus stop and waited with her until her bus came, then it went.
It's like she took all of that energy and high with her on the bus. Now I just feel so alone and shit.
I'm going to the doctors on Wednesday and I am hoping that I don't get diagnosed with something, I really don't.
I just want to scream, I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to be this person. Don't make me that person. I can see myself fading away and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
We watched What To Expect When You're Expecting and it's really good actually.
I spent the whole day getting really excited for tonight. About half an hour before she came to my house, I was slipping into my old self but amplified 100x. It only increased when I saw her. I HAD to keep her laughing, I just had to, I couldn't have her not laughing so I didn't stop. For 4 hours I kept her laughing, for 4 hours I had a massive high and felt like I was on top of the world.
I walked her to the bus stop and waited with her until her bus came, then it went.
It's like she took all of that energy and high with her on the bus. Now I just feel so alone and shit.
I'm going to the doctors on Wednesday and I am hoping that I don't get diagnosed with something, I really don't.
I just want to scream, I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to be this person. Don't make me that person. I can see myself fading away and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
My nails need to be completely re-done.
They're blunted right now, which I'm glad of because I worry about what I would do if they were still sharp.
Today, I managed to cut the inside of my throat. Guess how? Yup, doing the exact thing that the nails were meant to stop me doing. This is why I got the nails, so that if I did P, the consequences would be punishment.
I wonder if Chelsea knows or not. I told her that I did when I got drunk at hers at Christmas. She tried to bring it up ages ago when I said I didn't want anything to eat, she asked me if it was because of what I said at Christmas and I wasn't sure what she meant. But she brushed it off because other people were around us.
Today I wore a skirt with just one pair of tights on, skin coloured tights. I felt self conscious all day. Natasha wore a pair of shorts that looked like a pair of 6 year old's shorts. She honestly has the body of a 6 year old it's funny. She wears 2 pairs of shorts under everything and she thinks she's attractive. She is honestly the most vile person I have ever met. She is stupid and thinks that she is better than everyone.
I got chatted up at th gym today, right after I had finished and my face was red and i was sweating like the fat pig that I am. I told him that I don't like guys ad he was so shocked. It pisses me off so much when people say 'Oh you don't look gay are you sure that you are?'. Yes I fucking am sure. Shut the fuck up
I then had the stupid idea to take my tights off which was weird. I felt people staring at my scars and it made me very uncomfortable. I looked at my full body reflection in a shop window as I was walking past. I was honestly disgusted.
I wonder what people say about me. Oh her, that fat one?
Marli always called me thick and it makes me die a little inside.
'Thick, thick, thick.'
'You're a thick girl.'
And then Chelsea.
'This is a 14, it's massive'
'I can feel my legs moving when I walk it's gross'
'If someone called me thick, it would make me not want to eat'
I remember a lot of stuff, and the things that hurt stick in my head, like fully burnt into my brain. Which is why when someone has said something about me, whether they meant it or not, how I am with you will never be the same. It is permanently in my head now and it will be repeating in my head several times a day so thank you, adding fuel to the fire, thank you so much. I remember things that the kids used to say to me when I was 7 years old and they still hurt just as much.
If anyone is reading this please do not even jokingly say something offensive or hurtful to me. You really don't know the impact it has on me you honestly don't.
Today, I managed to cut the inside of my throat. Guess how? Yup, doing the exact thing that the nails were meant to stop me doing. This is why I got the nails, so that if I did P, the consequences would be punishment.
I wonder if Chelsea knows or not. I told her that I did when I got drunk at hers at Christmas. She tried to bring it up ages ago when I said I didn't want anything to eat, she asked me if it was because of what I said at Christmas and I wasn't sure what she meant. But she brushed it off because other people were around us.
Today I wore a skirt with just one pair of tights on, skin coloured tights. I felt self conscious all day. Natasha wore a pair of shorts that looked like a pair of 6 year old's shorts. She honestly has the body of a 6 year old it's funny. She wears 2 pairs of shorts under everything and she thinks she's attractive. She is honestly the most vile person I have ever met. She is stupid and thinks that she is better than everyone.
I got chatted up at th gym today, right after I had finished and my face was red and i was sweating like the fat pig that I am. I told him that I don't like guys ad he was so shocked. It pisses me off so much when people say 'Oh you don't look gay are you sure that you are?'. Yes I fucking am sure. Shut the fuck up
I then had the stupid idea to take my tights off which was weird. I felt people staring at my scars and it made me very uncomfortable. I looked at my full body reflection in a shop window as I was walking past. I was honestly disgusted.
I wonder what people say about me. Oh her, that fat one?
Marli always called me thick and it makes me die a little inside.
'Thick, thick, thick.'
'You're a thick girl.'
And then Chelsea.
'This is a 14, it's massive'
'I can feel my legs moving when I walk it's gross'
'If someone called me thick, it would make me not want to eat'
I remember a lot of stuff, and the things that hurt stick in my head, like fully burnt into my brain. Which is why when someone has said something about me, whether they meant it or not, how I am with you will never be the same. It is permanently in my head now and it will be repeating in my head several times a day so thank you, adding fuel to the fire, thank you so much. I remember things that the kids used to say to me when I was 7 years old and they still hurt just as much.
If anyone is reading this please do not even jokingly say something offensive or hurtful to me. You really don't know the impact it has on me you honestly don't.
Monday, 9 April 2012
I just can't do it.
I think of the people who actually like me, and I can think of 1 person who I think likes me but she probably can't stand me.
I think about myself and I get this pain in my stomach because I hate myself that much.
I just watched a video of myself from September, I wasn't very happy then but I was happier than I wan in the Summer which was good for me. I miss it so much, I miss being that me, I miss not caring. I miss having friends. I miss having people care about me. I miss me caring about myself. Nobody gives a shit anymore, nobody texts or messages me because they know I'm not worth the time.
The bad thing is that I don't see any way out of this, I honestly don't. I don't see how I'm going to drag myself out of this.
I want to fucking rip my skin off. I make myself so sick, just ugh. How the fuck can I live with myself?
Disgusting filthy whore dirty bitch stop
I don't get how II carry on and how I think I'm going to havea future and be success full at somethung e#t hofjxl fucking
I just fucking can't
II don't want help
Invisible
stupid
fat
whore
fake plastic bitch
pile on some more fuccking makeuo
people can still see the whore
Nobody cares to lsten
Everyone scrolls past
People I think will care don't want to get involved because it's too much for them
top yourself
grab the razors
SELF DE FUCKING STRUCT
jump
jump
fuckin run and jump and splat
I think about myself and I get this pain in my stomach because I hate myself that much.
I just watched a video of myself from September, I wasn't very happy then but I was happier than I wan in the Summer which was good for me. I miss it so much, I miss being that me, I miss not caring. I miss having friends. I miss having people care about me. I miss me caring about myself. Nobody gives a shit anymore, nobody texts or messages me because they know I'm not worth the time.
The bad thing is that I don't see any way out of this, I honestly don't. I don't see how I'm going to drag myself out of this.
I want to fucking rip my skin off. I make myself so sick, just ugh. How the fuck can I live with myself?
Disgusting filthy whore dirty bitch stop
I don't get how II carry on and how I think I'm going to havea future and be success full at somethung e#t hofjxl fucking
I just fucking can't
II don't want help
Invisible
stupid
fat
whore
fake plastic bitch
pile on some more fuccking makeuo
people can still see the whore
Nobody cares to lsten
Everyone scrolls past
People I think will care don't want to get involved because it's too much for them
top yourself
grab the razors
SELF DE FUCKING STRUCT
jump
jump
fuckin run and jump and splat
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