Sometimes I think about just leaving this life.

I've done it before, just cut off all friends and deleted everything of mine on the internet and started gain. I wouldn't mind that actually, it's not like anyone would miss me or give two shits that I disappeared.
Everyone around here annoys me, I just want to get up and go and never look back, get a new number, and reset everything on the internet.

Even she is starting to annoy me, she's so fucking dumb. And it's just simple stuff too, like the way she talks and types and texts, she's like a fucking preteen. I do love her, but she is fucking thick.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach, and I don't like it, I feel as if something's about to happen and it's going to hurt.
I'm gonna start coming on the internet less and less, no-one gives a shit about me on it, so why the fuck come on it?

I feel a whole load better.

I don't know, as stupid as this sounds, the hatred towards myself is more internal than external now. So now it's just thoughts and internal damage instead of physical damage that people can see. To me, that's better I think. But then again, I always say, as long as I look alright on the outside, I don't give a fuck about the inside.
I can look in the mirror for longer than half an hour now, which I think is a big achievement for me, because it used to be no longer than 10 minutes and I'd start literally trying to rip my skin off. Idek.
I get my laptop back tomorrow, well, should, but I'm happy about it, and I have to delete the internet history on this laptop and give it back to my aunty because she'd be kind of shocked lawl.

I would write more, but there's a bit that I want to write about someone and I don't want to risk them seeing it because it would fuck everything up, so I'm going to write it on my personal blog. So yeah, if you look at this from Tumblr and want to see it, ask me for the link and I'll send it to you.

I'm alright where I am right now, for now.

After Saturday's shit, I've tried to be more positive. Tried to get negative thoughts out of my head, it's working so far, but people around me aren't making it any easier for me, talking about scars, hurting themselves and psychological disorders.

I was thinking yesterday, what if I didn't make friends at college. I'm not sure how I would be right now, whether I'd even be alive or not, I don't like being on my own, and I don't think I could managed with being on my own 7 days a week.

I noticed today that I'm one of the tallest in our friend circle, apart from Gina and Olivia being 5'11, everyone else is shorter than me.
I only noticed when I was talking to Natasha that I slouch and bend my knees when she talks to me so that I'm the same height as her. She picked up on it, she told me that it made her feel better about the people around her, especially when she's talking about something private.

I like to think that I help people, I'm actually really shit. I make people laugh, it makes them feel better, but I can't change the way they think or even cheer them up without physically making them laugh.

I don't know, I might start reading Wintergirls again, it always restarts something in me, I don't know what, like cogs ticking.

Sarah gets back in 8 days, I can honestly say that I'm scared, I don't know what she'll be like. It sounds stupid but in her last few letters, her writing is completely different to her first letter, that has to mean something right? I looked through her blog last night, and I see it happened to me, I don't even care. I don't think anybody will pick up on it with me, people are either too stupid or just don't care.

This is long, my hands hurt, and I need to make more bracelets and dreamcatchers.