I am scared. So scared.
Last year, I had someone to help me through it for the most part. Now he's gone, he has his own life and I'm stuck here.
People only remember me when they are reminded of me. I'll either show up on their dashboard or timeline or whatever. Only then., they will talk to me.
Mum took Carol back to Blackpool yesterday. I stayed at home. I got in the bath 4 times yesterday. Every time I just lay under water staring up at the ceiling. I put my music on full blast and I could feel the vibrations pounding through me and the water. I came up to the surface, took a deep breath and submerged myself, still staring at the ceiling. I could feel myself wanting to breath, so I did. I inhaled a lung full of water and forced myself to stay under but I couldn't. I shot up coughing and spluttering. The summer holidays haven't even started and I'm already trying.
People don't get it. I need someone. I'm all on my own all of the time because I have no-one to love, no-one to talk to and no-one to just be there for me.
I've been on citalopram 20mg for about 3-4 weeks now, I can't remember. They're not even touching the sides. If anything, I feel worse than when I started. I'm gonna book an appointment and get me ramped up to 60mg. Maybe then I'll be able to feel something.
Whenever I get in the bath, I am so tempted to do something destructive. Especially when I'm alone in the house or at night when Mum is sleeping.
I remember being happy and playing and everything.
I don't know what to do most of the time, I have to have people tell me what I need to do. Shanelle had to persuade me to go home and get my work that had to be in that day but I didn't because Saab started telling me that I have no motivation to progress because I didn't want to go home and get my work. You think I don't fucking know that? There was a storm and it takes me an hour and a half to get home. Shut the fuck up you midget cunt.
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