Sick, am I sick?

Well that was a cheesy ass title.
I went to the German Market today, pretended to be happy blah blah blah

I really do not give a shit about myself internally anymore, I can't remember the last time I ate or took multivitamins. I really just do not care.

Some people just NEED to get out of my life, and they're pretty much out already.

I dislike myself again.

But I am rather magnificent, I see why people are intrigued by me

The more sick I get, the more strong I feel.

I've given up on people who only bother with me when it's suitable for them. Time to change my life, again.

It's funny when people ask me if I'm alright, I could tell them fucking everything and they'd still say something like "Oh well, you've got me and I'll never judge you" WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO DO?
Oh yeah, jack shit apart from make you feel like you've helped. It annoys me when people ask me if I'm alright.

I prefer being a numb zombie than being normal

I could write fucking anything and still no-one would bat an eyelid.

It's funny when people say they care and that they're there for me, but when I tell them something honestly, they want nothing to do with me.

I can't believe she came in with him. She knew that me seeing her for a little while would make my day, and she fucking brought him along. That cunt.

I think I'll start taking my medication again, even though Lia hates it because I become pretty much like a zombie. But I like it though, I don't have to feel or care, I actually can't, I just feel numb.

I actually do not give a shit anymore. People are full of shit.

I'll see how things go after Thursday.

Everyone's just sick of me right now. They'd prefer it if I wasn't alive.

I am actually interested in myself.

I find myself rather mesmerizing.
I leave impressions on people's lives.

I am who I want to be and I love it right now.
I am a monster.

I really fucking hate posting on this.

Because I know that I'm going to break down and ugh.
The last time I posted on here was the 2nd, congratulations! You didn't break down for 13 days!
Well actually you did, because someone told you the truth, that you were ugly.

I'm quite stressed and I don't want to show it.

Laura annoys the fuck out of me so much. I was thinking about it today when we went shopping.
She wears a massive jumper and leggings, EVERYFUCKINGDAY!! She's so patronising and stupid, ugh.

And you, just fucking stop. Stop it. Like seriously, you know you're doing it and you know I hate it. I don't do it with you for the exact same reasons, so shut the fuck up. You're starting to just annoy me now, I don't even want to talk to you as much because you annoy me.

Triggers.

I've been fine for a while, somewhat normal, and then today happened.
Today people have been talking to me a lot about their 'problems', mainly about weight, food, self harm and suicide. And it's just fucking getting to me so badly. I wish that everyone could fucking know so that they'd all just shut the fuck up about it.

I tried to look in the mirror when I turned the light off, but I couldn't. I just fucking couldn't bring myself to do it because I know what would happen. I don't want to be like this anymore. I fucking hate myself.
I don't know what to do, everything I do to try and make things better for me fucks up or fucks me up. I don't like it and I want it all to end, No-ones going to listen, so I may as well right it all down so that it's not in my head. I don't want to be alive anymore, I can't fucking take it.

I keep on thinking about what happened and it makes me sick. The fact that I was so stupid to let him do that to me. I'm a fucking pathetic little whore.

I don't deserve to be alive.

I'm now I'm even more stupid, for sitting here and crying, I'm scared, I'm honestly scared right now. I don't trust myself.

I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore.

Sometimes I think about just leaving this life.

I've done it before, just cut off all friends and deleted everything of mine on the internet and started gain. I wouldn't mind that actually, it's not like anyone would miss me or give two shits that I disappeared.
Everyone around here annoys me, I just want to get up and go and never look back, get a new number, and reset everything on the internet.

Even she is starting to annoy me, she's so fucking dumb. And it's just simple stuff too, like the way she talks and types and texts, she's like a fucking preteen. I do love her, but she is fucking thick.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach, and I don't like it, I feel as if something's about to happen and it's going to hurt.
I'm gonna start coming on the internet less and less, no-one gives a shit about me on it, so why the fuck come on it?

I feel a whole load better.

I don't know, as stupid as this sounds, the hatred towards myself is more internal than external now. So now it's just thoughts and internal damage instead of physical damage that people can see. To me, that's better I think. But then again, I always say, as long as I look alright on the outside, I don't give a fuck about the inside.
I can look in the mirror for longer than half an hour now, which I think is a big achievement for me, because it used to be no longer than 10 minutes and I'd start literally trying to rip my skin off. Idek.
I get my laptop back tomorrow, well, should, but I'm happy about it, and I have to delete the internet history on this laptop and give it back to my aunty because she'd be kind of shocked lawl.

I would write more, but there's a bit that I want to write about someone and I don't want to risk them seeing it because it would fuck everything up, so I'm going to write it on my personal blog. So yeah, if you look at this from Tumblr and want to see it, ask me for the link and I'll send it to you.

I'm alright where I am right now, for now.

After Saturday's shit, I've tried to be more positive. Tried to get negative thoughts out of my head, it's working so far, but people around me aren't making it any easier for me, talking about scars, hurting themselves and psychological disorders.

I was thinking yesterday, what if I didn't make friends at college. I'm not sure how I would be right now, whether I'd even be alive or not, I don't like being on my own, and I don't think I could managed with being on my own 7 days a week.

I noticed today that I'm one of the tallest in our friend circle, apart from Gina and Olivia being 5'11, everyone else is shorter than me.
I only noticed when I was talking to Natasha that I slouch and bend my knees when she talks to me so that I'm the same height as her. She picked up on it, she told me that it made her feel better about the people around her, especially when she's talking about something private.

I like to think that I help people, I'm actually really shit. I make people laugh, it makes them feel better, but I can't change the way they think or even cheer them up without physically making them laugh.

I don't know, I might start reading Wintergirls again, it always restarts something in me, I don't know what, like cogs ticking.

Sarah gets back in 8 days, I can honestly say that I'm scared, I don't know what she'll be like. It sounds stupid but in her last few letters, her writing is completely different to her first letter, that has to mean something right? I looked through her blog last night, and I see it happened to me, I don't even care. I don't think anybody will pick up on it with me, people are either too stupid or just don't care.

This is long, my hands hurt, and I need to make more bracelets and dreamcatchers.

I've looked into Mercy.

It's 18-28 year olds, I'm 16 now so , 2 years and I'll be able to go, that's if I'll want to then.
I don't know, it'll be better that way, I'll have finished college and can have a gap year and go then, I'll be just gone 18 then.
I don't know, some days I want to be normal, other days I think fuck it. I feel that if I went, I'd be gone for a good 6 months to 12 months, nobody would write to me, and people in there would probably pick on me or something.

Sometimes I feel like just ripping every inch of skin off, I don't feel anything anymore, emotionally and physicaly. If I feel something emotionally, I'll make a big deal out of it because it hardly ever happens, but most of the time people just shove it away like it's something unimportant,. It might not be important to them, but it's important to me, very important.

I'd like to sleep, and carry on sleeping. I feel so tired, mentally not physically.

I'm getting more and more destructive thoughts and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to burden anyone. People don't get that, they think I'm ignoring them. I'm not, it's just that I don't want to burden them with all of my problems, and I don't want them to get attached to me in anyway, because I'm not exactly physically kind to myself, and I don't want them to worry.

If I touch my arm, I shudder. If I look in the mirror, I cry. If I touch scars, I just go numb.

Fuck everything

I don't know why I bother trying to even be somewhat happy, it's only temporary and ends up with me being alone and crying. Nobody gives a shit. I want everything to just stop. The thoughts in my head are even more convincing and degrading. If I ask for help, everyone turns away.

I just don't know.

I do love myself, inside. I don't like the outside.
My outside should represent my inside, and it doesn't.

Alone.

Nobody really wants anything to do with me any more.
I watch people get on their lives, moving, and I'm staying still and going nowhere.
Everything is fucking up again.
I don't want to be in that place again, I don't want to be that person.
I want to move away from who I am, get as far as possible.

Love

I do not love you, not one bit. You disgust me, even talking to you makes me feel sick after all that you've done.
I am strong and I do not care at all what you think or feel.
You are not attractive to me in any way, too fat, too ugly, not my type, at all!

I can't wait for today to be over.

Today has been so shit.
My head still hurts and I need to stop picking at the glue.
I don't want to be me anymore, I want to be different.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't ever leave me again. You've been with me all week, and for about an hour without you, I was a mess. I want you, don't leave me. I can't do anything without you.

BY THE FUCKING WAY
THIS IS NOT ABOUT A PERSON
SO DON'T START ASSUMING SHIT

Fucking hell.

I'm so pissed off. I've just cut my fucking hand up on fucking smashed glass
Fucking idiot
I thought I was doing alright, and now fucking this.

I think I might have dermatillomania.

I've only recently looked into it, I've been doing it for years and never really knew why.
I think it might be getting worse because I've recently moved onto my legs, and it's putting me off wearing shorts or anything that shows the bottom half of my legs.
Hmmm :/

This is exactly why I don't go on your blog.

I find things about you saying we're a joke, you talking to other girls, liking their pictures. I just can't fucking take it. I was filled with so much confidence this morning, I went out without foundation on this morning, one glance at your blog, and my confidence is fucking shattered. And last night, I don't know what the hell was wrong with you.
Sometimes I think it's best if we part, I don't know.

I hate when people say I'm not fat.

I am, I'm overweight, with a BMI of 27. I need to lose at least 20 pounds to be even average. This is something that really bothers me, so please, just don't say anything about weight to me.

I thing it's good when someone does the opposite.

When you're so low, and you feel like nothing can help you, but someone comes along and makes you smile. It's the best thing ever.

I feel so sick.

Physically and mentally. I'm so alone, people say they're there for me, but they just care about themselves. No-one thinks to ask me if I'm alright, they just say I'm moody. I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't know about anything anymore. I just want to disappear, I doubt anyone would notice.

Angry, angry, very motherfucking angry.

Turns out, he's had access to my personal blog all along. Not this one, my Tumblr one. He went behind my back. He wants me to trust him, and he does stuff like this? What the fuck. He said he lies to me, to protect me. Very fucking wrong, all it does is hurt me and make me trust you even less. I don't trust him at all.
I'm worried about writing on my personal blog now, just in case he sees it. I might delete it.

I don't get it, I was so happy yesterday.

I need you to hold me again, because of him. He hurts me without even doing anything.
Everything's getting too overwhelming right now.
Sam's talking about her boyfriend all the time, and me, I have no-one. I'm alone.
I'm gonna feel sorry for myself and watch The Dark Knight.

I feel so fucking good right now.

I knew it would happen. It's just one simple little thing, makeup! It's the same makeup I had when I was happy, and now I know why. MY SKIN LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD! Instant confidence I swear. It proportions everything! It makes my nose look less huge and oh ma lawd, it's just great.
Tomorrow, I shall be a drag queen, and people shall look, and they shall be jealous from my skin.
THEY SHALL!

I want everything to stop.

I might go away for a while, mum wants to go to the lakes. I'll go with her, just to get away.
I want to move away from this place. I want something to be good for a while.
I don't want to be awake for a long time. I'm trying to sleep as much as I can, but it's not enough.

I'm sick of this battle.

I'm constantly fighting, I'm giving up. She can take over for a while. I don't care. Hopefully I get something out of it this time. I did last time, it was amazing.
I want the person in my head to become real, and she will.

Today.

I waited at the train station for her, and I saw her. She had her platforms on so she was the same height as me more or less. We had a picnic at Pigeon and then we went into The Oasis. She was trying on dresses and bought an amazing blue one! Then we just walked around and talked for ages. She had to catch her train at half 5, so we only spent about 3ish hours together. It was sad seeing her go, but she said she'd come back down again. It's made me so happy!!

I'm so excited about tomorrow.

Someone actually wants to see me! They're travelling from another country to see me! Well, Wales, but it's technically another country.
I love it though! I'm actually going to meet her instead of continuous talk of going to meet someone, I actually am!

I'm meeting Lia tomorrow.

I'm so excited!
I love that she's coming to me as well! All the way from fucking Bala as well! I'm gonna show her everything! I'll take her round The Bullring, then into The Oasis, then we'll go to Pigeon for a while.
LE SQUEEEEEE

I just called Val.

I just needed someone to talk to, and like always, she brings it round to what I've eaten. She always does, and she says she's eaten less and just makes me feel like shit. She always competes with me, with fucking everything.
I watched Lia sleeping again, she's alright, just sometimes she needs a break and sleeps practically all day. She's like me, a lot.
Today I'm hopefully going out with Sam and Charlie. Charlie will probably moan about me wearing tights with shorts. She wears shorts on their own, but she has great legs.
I like days like this, it reminds me or when I was like 10, that's when we all went to the same school. I make Sam and Charlie laugh so much, I love making people laugh, especially those two. Charlie's laugh makes me laugh which sets Sam off and then we're all just cackling like idiots and everyone looks at us. I miss it.

I'll stop

And then they'll help me.

Fuck it, FUCK EVERYTHING.

I'll just take my fucking medication, workout and go to fucking sleep. You've made it clear you don't want to talk to me.

Hmmmm

I'm waiting for you to reply to me, to just acknowledge my existence, but it seems you don't want to.
A cold shudder just went through me. I'll workout at midnight, I'll need it.
I want to walk and carry on walking until I end up somewhere I don't know.

I can be lovely.

Because Lia has really bad nightmares, I watch her sleep so that when she wakes up because of them, I'm there for her.
She introduced me to Polly Scattergood, and in I Hate The Way, she sings ' So hey, sleeping beauty go back to sleep'. She just woke up and I sang that to her and she has the biggest smile on her face :3

An actual blog post!

Today, I did nothing, again.
Sam wanted to go for a walk, but it was an hour before Torchwood, and I wasn't missing that for anything. Mum wanted something from ASDA, so I thought fuck it, I'll go on my own. So I walked there and back in 50 minutes, which I thought was pretty good seeing as it's about 2.6 miles all together. I listened to Polly Scattergood both ways, she is ridiculously relevant and accurate.
I walked past some flats today, and I thought I'd like to live there, the doors were colourful and they had balcony's, it was beautiful.
I thought about moving, maybe once I'm at uni, I'll move to London or something, I'm not sure.
I'm worried about Lia, she isn't online tonight, she's been online every night ever since we started talking. I shouldn't worry, but I know what she's capable of. I hope she's okay.

I think of what you did, and it makes me sick with anger.

I don't get how you could even do something like that.
Am I that easy to lie to?
Do you think I'm that stupid that you can just lie to me anytime you like?
You're fucked in the head if you think that.

Moments when I am 'fragile'

When I read Wintergirls
When I watch Sugar Rush
When I'm awake at night listening to sad songs.

I need to work on my self image/confidence.

So that means, nobody sees my face, apart from the people physically around me.
I think it'll help me.

I'm having another 'moment'.

I'm about to read Wintergirls again, and I'm listening to my playlist.
Nights like this remind me that things are real.

This might sound stupid.

I really hate being complimented. People say things that I can't see, and it makes me feel even more weird because nobody else sees what I see.

I fucking hate being called cute or small.

I'm the exact opposite, I'm fucking huge.
Shut the fuck up calling me cute.

I don't think people understand how much it takes for me to go out without makeup.

Not many people have seen me properly without makeup. Sam has lots of times, but that's because I've known her for a good 10 years.
It's like I hide behind makeup, to be something more than myself, so when people see me without makeup, they see into me.
I don't like it.

Why is it so wrong for me to care about Lia?

Sure, I haven't known her for long, but she understands me so much, she's like Sarah!
It's so hard for me to find people who understand me, and who are in the same mindset as me, please, just let me have this one person!

I'm sick of explaining myself over and over again,

You ask me what I want, I tell you,
We argue.
You ask me what I want, I tell you.
We argue.

You ask me what I want, I tell you,

We argue.

You ask me what I want, I tell you.

We argue. I'm sick of it.

I tell you everything I want from you, you say you'll do it, and you never do.
Everyone tells me the same thing.

Goodnight.

Everyone says goodnight to me, when I'm going to bed, apart from you. You don't, I don't remember the last time you said goodnight, I don't remember the last time I fell asleep with you watching me.
I watched Lia fall asleep tonight, she's beautiful.

Lia

I had a dream the other night. This girl was in it, she was quite small and had black hair, I won't describe the nature of the dream, because that's too personal, but yeah. I was thinking about her all day yesterday.
I cam home today, turned my laptop on, went onto PT, and I saw that I had a friend request. It was from a girl called Lia who was small with black hair. It really freaked me out, but I'm glad I found her.

People expect me to be something.

All the females in this family already have kids and most of them are under 18. I am, I'm going to be successful. Mainly because I can't stand the thought of having children, I'll adopt or something, just ugh.
Right now I want to go to sleep in my bed, on Tinychat with him, like we used to. I miss those days.

My head right now.

Everything's so fucked right now.
I hate the fact that I have to rely on makeup for me to feel any what confident or remotely attractive.
Nobody ever looks twice at me normally, I either have to be fucking 6ft, or really loud, and that just puts people off.
Yesterday, I was stood at the edge of the pier, I was thinking of things to live for, I have none. Then mum called me up and asked me to get something to eat because she's worrying about me eating again. She thinks I'm not eating, I can't fucking stop eating. I'll eat something, and then eat something else, and make something, and eat something whilst that's being made. I hate it so much.
I'm sick of people talking about diets and eating and food, it's all I ever think about and I don't like it being real.

I don't think I'll ever have someone that likes me, they always get occupied by someone else, or they live fucking miles away.
I prefer talking to people online because then they don't have to see what I look like in really life, an ugly fat girl with hardly any friends.
Everyone is saying that I'm shy, I don't get it though. I don't think I'm shy, but apparently I am. My self esteem right now is so low.

Fucking last night.

I stayed up all night talking to you, nothing good came from it.
You just made me angry and made me cry.
Get the fuck out of my life.
I don't deserve to be treated like this at all.
I might not think a lot of myself, but I certainly don't deserve to be treated like that.

I'm sick of you.

I want you out of my life, but you keep on coming back.
It's not going to work, after all the shit you've done to me, we're not going to work.
Fuck off.

I'm sick of it.

All of my so-called 'friends' that I made on here, don't give a shit about me. Where was everyone when I needed them?
Fucking nowhere.
I really am considering deleting my blog, nobody cares anyway.

All I want is someone to talk to.

Just someone to make me feel like everything's not shit. I just want a friend.
Nobody talks to me anymore, I feel like I'm disappearing.
I'm starting to resent people.

I'm so fucking annoyed.

Just because he decides to take some fucking drugs and is in the hospital, she has to spend every waking moment with him.
Oh, but if I collapse or something, it's 'Corinne, stop twatting around, get up'.
I'm sick of it!
He treats her like shit and she still goes to him!
It's nearly 11:30pm, she's been there for a good 6 an a half hours. I can't even call her because her phone's off.
I'm so fucking tempted to go to the hospital and fucking smother him with a pillow.

I'm sick of feeling like this

I want everything to end.
I want to escape my head.
I look a mess, I can't stop crying.
I'm so shit.

You're not going to hurt me anymore.

You've done it too many times.
You're not going to make me cry.
You're not going to make me feel worthless.

How did I get like this?

How did I end up hating myself so much?
How did I end up being so pathetic?
How did I end up being so hateful?
How did I end up hating my existence?
How did I end up wanting to end my life?
Plastering make up on everyday just so I can hide behind it.

I've gone through so much, and I'm not even 16 yet, that's the best thing. I just want to escape it all. Someone please rescue me from this, please.

Is this supposed to make me stay?

 05/06/2011 16:57:08 Kevin Welcome To The Strange i want to punch his face in 
05/06/2011 16:57:17 Kevin Welcome To The Strange i want to fucking destroy him 
05/06/2011 16:57:22 Kevin Welcome To The Strange Break his face
 05/06/2011 16:57:35 Kevin Welcome To The Strange Every bone
 05/06/2011 16:57:53 Kevin Welcome To The Strange i want to make him choke on his blood 


Do I really want to be with someone so violent?

I'm not allowed to talk to Justin.

He is jealous, he thinks I like him.
I'm nice to him because he's nice to me, he notices me.

I've lost 6 pounds this week.

I've exercised once this week, that was last night, 50 crunches and a 1 minutes plank. I can't do any cardio because of my piercings, I should be able to soon though. Mum's going to my brother's tonight. I'm glad she doesn't come upstairs.

I'm writing to Sarah.

I miss her so much, I can't wait for her to get back from Mercy, hopefully she's recovered.
I'm getting her up to date with everything that's happened so that when she comes back, she's on track with everything.

I don't know what to do about you.

You hardly talk to me, and it pisses me off so much. I just don't know anymore

I usually have dead mornings.

They help, I think a dead weekend will be amazing for me

I'm going to be dead for a little while.

There'll be little social interaction, I'm turning my phone off, not using Tumblr, MSN or Facebook as much. I'll write on here though. I'm going to slightly sedate myself, a mix of paracetemol and my anti-depressants.

New piercings.

I got my nipples pierced today, Emma did them for me. I did hers first, then I got really nervous and she did mine. They hurt really badly for a while, so I had the smart idea of smothering them in Germolene Ointment with Local Anaesthetic, I haven't had any pain/soreness since I put it on.